Pamela's Retrospective Wrap-up Post!

I never really did write a bona fide wrap up post, so here it is! Better late than never...

What Rejection Therapy Taught Me About Fear (and other lessons)

Humans are a funny lot. We desire things that we are perfectly capable of achieving, yet we are sometimes paralyzed by the fear of actually doing so. There is no cure for this condition, but it is possible to diminish the influence that fear has over your actions in life. Let me tell you what I learned about fear, up close and personal, from a challenge I participated in last fall.

In September I put myself through Rejection Therapy for 30 days. The concept sounded fun and harmless going in, and it was indeed fun often enough. It was also brutal. For those unfamiliar with Rejection Therapy, it's a challenge wherein you must seek rejection every day. Not hearing a "No" on any given day means you have failed. You must be rejected by someone every single day. It doesn't matter much what for (within the bounds of decency I suppose) and it doesn't have to be dramatic. It can be simple and small as long as the result is a big fat "No."

This often means approaching strangers: friends and family are usually aware of what you're doing so their rejections don't count. It has to be genuine. I ended up getting rejected for all kinds of things - asking to park cars for a valet service, requesting a table of restaurant patrons to draw a picture of my imaginary friend, and offering to give a stranger a hug who looked really unhappy. I actually had some quasi-questionable exploits in there as well, things I wouldn't do a second time, but I'll leave it to you to read all about it. The point is, I put myself in a position of possibly being embarrassed and humiliated on a daily basis. Why anyone would do this is beside the point of this post but if you're interested in finding out, check out our About page!

What did I learn about fear from all this angst? A lot, actually. No matter how much my heart pounded, my palms sweat and my stomach hurt at the thought of approaching strangers (and all those things happened every time because I'm a huge introvert unless I already know someone), the actual attainment of my objective was not nearly as frightening as the prospect of attaining it. The mere thought of approaching someone and possibly feeling humiliated by the encounter was far more terrifying than the experience I had once I was interacting with them. Sometimes - not every time by any stretch - I walked away thinking, "That's all? All my sweaty armpits was over that?"

What we fear is not necessarily the boogie man that we're sure is waiting for us on the other end. More often we are afraid because we don't know if that boogie man is waiting for us or not. If I knew I'd be humiliated every time, it would have sucked, but I would at least have had something to prepare for. I would at least know what I was getting into with each day's rejection. But I had no way of knowing how people would react to me. I had to take a chance on it going well or not, every time. And that to me is more scary than knowing what will happen.

Not directly related to fear, but as an added bonus, here are a couple more lessons I learned in Rejection Therapy....

I learned that most people actually want to help you if you ask for it - and ask politely. I lost count of how many times I would approach someone, certain that they would reject me, only to have them say, "Yeah sure, no problem!" That meant of course that I would have to keep approaching more and more people until I found my "No" but it also took me by surprise how many people are actually open to engaging with strangers and helping them out.

I also learned that you can't judge a book by its cover. I am ashamed to admit that I was certain I would be rejected by some people based upon their looks. It's not fair, but my preconceived notions did end up getting squashed. That's a good thing.

Jacki's Wrap-up Post

Hi guys. We're half-way through October and I'm just now wrapping up Rejection Therapy. No time like the present. First, here's the "what" of how things turned out ...

- I had 23 blog-worthy rejections
- I had at least 30 total rejections
- I did not get rejected every day because of days that I never left home and it just didn't happen

So, I guess with the original intention, I didn't quite make it since we did say to do it every day.

My eye, obviously.

What did I learn or gain? Well, I want to keep it short since one thing I learned is that people really don't care all that much when you look at our blog views :) So I'll just pick the top things.

1. Pamela and I are now better friends. I appreciate having her in my life. We are as similar as we are different and we are both very open, it makes for a lot of learning.
2. I do not like toying with people, hence the rule changes I made. At the same time, sometimes what I think of as toying with people is more about my own fears and insecurities and self-consciousness and fear of, yes, rejection. This was mostly learned during my favorite rejection.
3. It reminded me of my biases and preferences to talk to people who are like me. White, similarly dressed, not too attractive. Also preferring men to women. I want to keep challenging these preferences when I need directions or help. Every time I do it, I break down my biases just a little bit more. 
4. I fulfilled a secret dream of approaching a police officer. Police officers scare me and they shouldn't. Not to get into recent news, but in general, police officers are there to help and I still fear them because of teenaged and college shenanigans that could have gotten me arrested (but thankfully didn't).
5. Hugs and chest bumps from strangers are awesome.
6. I'm very grateful for this experience, which was all the more important as I've decided to take a perhaps permanent break from therapy.
7. It's good to find reasons to leave the house when you work from home and on your own. I've definitely done better at that since doing Rejection Therapy--I think it pushed me in the right direction!

Overall, Rejection Therapy confirmed some things I already knew, but don't always keep in mind. People are usually more awesome than you expect, personal interaction makes you feel better, and stepping outside your comfort zone is usually rewarding.

I plan on asking more strangers for hugs, or even friends when it might not be expected. If I need a hug, there's no reason I can't have one! I plan to continue pushing myself when I see opportunities for more connection with others or facing my fear of the almighty NO.

Lastly, thank you to Pamela for getting me involved in this mess. I enjoyed it. Toodles.

Day 29: Baby I can drive your car

As I mentioned in Day 28's post, my friend Norma provided me with several good ideas for rejections. One of them was to go up to a valet at a nice restaurant and ask if I could park cars for them. So that's what I did.

Day 29 was a Monday night and I was getting home from work pretty late so I didn't have a lot of time to pick and choose where to go. There are a bunch of nice restaurants near me however so I picked one as my target. As I drove into the parking lot I spotted the valet, who was on his cell phone. So I parked, and I waited. And I waited some more. Still on his phone. This obviously wasn't a call about retrieving someone's vehicle. I speculated as to who might be keeping him so wrapped up... probably a girl. So I drove around a bit and came back. Still on the phone! At this point I felt like either a stalker or a P.I. so I decided to move on. I wonder if that slacker still has his job?

Onto the next nice restaurant. I pulled into the parking lot and saw a young man in uniform milling about the valet area. Here he is! My next rejection! I walked up to him and struck up a conversation but didn't pitch my request right away.

"What are the qualifications for being a valet?"

"Do they make you drive an obstacle course?"

"Do you have to have a GA state license?"

Those were some of my questions to get the conversation started. I positioned myself as someone who was looking for extra work, hence the inquiries. Will was the young man's name who was helping me out, and he was soon joined by his brother George. They both worked for the same valet company and were on duty together that night. Both Will and George were exeptionally helpful. They went so far as to offer to put me in touch with their manager and make sure my job application got through ok. Now that's professional service!

By the time I got to my request, the conversation machine was well oiled. "Hey, would you guys let me park a car or two for you? Like, now, tonight? I feel like I should see what it's like to do this before I apply for a job..."

"Oh, no! George exclaimed. "You might wreck it. We can't let you do that!" We all laughed at my suggestion and I said "I guess you're right. I don't want to get you fellas in trouble!"

I made a little more small talk and thanked them profusely for their excellent assistance, and went on my way home.

By the way, there are no specific qualifications for a valet except be of legal age to drive. Yes, some places make you drive an obstacle course (the higher end venues) and no, as long as your license is valid, it doesn't have to be from GA.

I didn't quite make that turn.

Day 28: You'll never find another rejection like mine

I'm closing in on the home stretch now. Only a couple mores rejections to go. Only a few more episodes of heart palpitations and sweaty armpits. I'm almost there!!

I said something like the above to my friend Norma, whom I have previously mentioned as the gardening influence in my life and overall good friend. Norma and I were on a shopping trip for garden stuff and dog stuff (the dog stuff won out) on Day 28. While stopping for lunch at a local market, Norma and I discussed several good rejection ideas, one of which I used on Day 29. But I ended up going with a familiar theme of asking someone to sing a song with me, only this time doing it slightly differently.

Since my previous request to sing with a stranger actually worked, I needed to tweak my approach. I'd ask someone who looked busy and I'd have a specific song in mind. In fact, I printed out the lyrics to my chosen song and brought them with me on our outing that day in case I decided to try this rejection again. I'm not sure why I thought those tweaks would work, because they didn't, at first...

I saw a woman standing near the door as Norma and I were lunching. She looked like she was waiting for someone but was kind of fidgety so I thought maybe she's in a hurry and will say no. I went over to her and said:

Al was pleased with my rendition of his famous tune.

"I know this is a random question, but you know the song 'You're Gonna Miss My Loving' by Al Jarreau?" She didn't know, so I sang some of it to her. Badly. "Oh yeah I know the song!" she finally remembered.

"Great!" I said. "Would you be willing to sing it with me? Here, I have the lyrics and everything." I showed her my print out. She smiled and laughed. "Ok, sure yeah." Darnit! Oh well, here go. I'm obligated. We're gonna sing. Right here, in this market.

"Oh, okay, well come over here to our table and we'll sing to my friend. She's going to take pictures of us, are you ok with that?"

"Yeah that's fine!" more laughing....

"Cool. Oh, I'm going to post the pictures on the internet. You're sure you're ok still?"

More smiles, "Yeah that's ok, I don't mind."

I asked her name and we shook hands. Linda, lovely name. Linda and I stood next to each other in the middle of the restaurant area, and we belted out the first stanza of our best Al Jarreau, like so:

We had a good laugh and I thanked her several times before I went back to my seat and giggled at our performance.

But, I still needed a rejection, which came later that day as Norma and I were in the pet store cooing over little doggie sweaters. I saw a guy standing alone and approached him with the same request I had made to Linda. He was pretty young so he had no idea who Al Jarreau was and definitely got the "Is she crazy?" look on his face. "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to pass on that," he said as he let out a nervous laugh. I did try to push him a little but I got my rejection and was ready to head home, so I thanked him and left.

Whew! That was a fun one. Linda was awesome. And I am once again astounded that the people I think will say no often end up being the first to say yes.

Day 27: Sit, stay.

Day 27 was another low key rejection. And by "low key" I mean lame. I have gotten into this pattern of doing some really good, risky ones and then falling back on one or two half-assed rejections as a sort of recovery period. You could say it's a lot like training for a marathon. I'm not suggesting it's the best way to do this challenge, but it's kind of worked out that way.

So my 27th rejection consisted of me taking advantage of the various people in various states of frustration at the dog park one Saturday afternoon. I take one of my dogs there when I can, and this particular day there was a young man who was having some trouble keeping his pup under control. The dog was young and wasn't causing any harm. He just needed to learn some dog park etiquette. So, I went up to the guy and remarked on his situation and asked if I could work with the pup for a while and teach him to sit. I've gotten Delia to respond to the sit command almost robotically. Unfortunately I can't say the same for her with some other commands... Anyway, the guy turned me down but appreciated my offer of help. I would have totally done it too. With a few treats it only takes some patience to teach a dog to respond to certain vocabulary and it makes for a better doggie park experience! Maybe he'll take me up on it next time.

I don't know whose dog this is but I want him.

Day 26: Say hello to my imaginary friend

After a long week of struggling to make myself go out there and get rejected, I was glad when Jacki met up with me for drinks and some food last Friday night. (Check out her rejection from that night too!) I had a few ideas in my head for mine, which I ran by her when we met up. She laughed at one of them and thought the other was just "meh", so I decided to go with the one that got the laughs.

We ordered our goodies (I've said before I have a thing about getting rejected where there's food nearby... I need to explore this with a therapist) and were nearing the end of a delicious meal when I said Ok, I gotta do this. Jacki pointed out a table of three young men sitting together in a huddle, so I got up and went over.

"Excuse me, I wanted to ask you fellas a favor. Would you be willing to draw a picture of me with my imaginary friend? Not my real friend (referring to Jacki) but my imaginary friend. I have paper you can use, and a pen!" I pulled paper and pen out of my purse. Yes, I came to the bar with supplies ready specifically for this rejection.

The three of them looked at each other like they were wondering if they heard me right, and got tentative, uncomfortable smiles on their faces. I hate to admit it but their initial hesitation just fueled my desire to push their buttons. I'm not as considerate as Jacki I guess. "Anyone?? How about you?" I pointed to one of them. Silence. Looks around the table. Finally he shook his head and said "No...I'm sorry, I can't do that."

Dude in green was not impressed.

I looked at the guy on my other side "Would you do it?" He was giggling so I thought I could rope him into it. Even though I was already rejected, I wanted to see what would result from this exchange. He shook his head no through his tee hee's and I said "Come on!" a couple times, but to no avail. Rejected twice in the span of a minute! Not bad.

Finally I looked at the third guy with a hopeful smile. He and been quiet up to now, but he had a big grin on his face - part amused, part uncomfortable, but the amused part was winning out. He seemed to think this was all very funny, unlike the other two. I pleaded with him and I finally got my wish! "Tell you what," he said. "You leave the paper and pen here with and I'll take care of you."

"Yay! I'll just be over there with my friend and when we're ready to leave I'll come and pick up your drawing, ok?" He agreed, and I practically skipped backed to my seat I was so glad that he was going to do it.

On the way out I went back over and asked if he had drawn the picture. I thought he was going to back out, but he flipped the paper over and handed me this:

One big happy family!

Ok, so not what I was thinking, but who knows how others perceive our imaginary friends? He added the initials after I went back, btw. He asked my name, Jacki's name (I don't know why he kept mistaking her for my imaginary friend) and in the middle there is one of his buddies that refused my request, Anderson. I think he drew a picture of happy non-traditional family. Or maybe Anderson is jumping on our shoulders cheerleader-style. I can't be sure. But after two rejections, to come out with this Picasso is a victory in my eyes.

Rejection #23: I'll have to ask the manager

Well, the last day of Rejection Therapy has come and gone. I don't know for sure if I made it to 30 rejections, certainly not 30 solid, blog-worthy ones. But I did learn a lot. I want to tell you about one last good one, and hopefully I'll get to a wrap-up post soon.

Source:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/05/sports/baseball/05bar.html

I was at Olde Blind Dog with fellow bootcamper, Pamela. We were almost the only women in there, and definitely the only women not with men. A couple different baseball games were on the bar TVs and we were sitting on stools basically in the middle. We made friends with the bartender pretty quickly. Then my brilliant plan came to me.

I had to muster some acting skills to keep a straight face. In front of a camera, it's easy for me to keep a straight face and stay in character. In a bar, I found it more difficult as I giggled even thinking about asking the bartender what I wanted to ask him. So I closed my eyes and pretended it was a scene. Then I asked him ...

"So, my friend and I just came from my place and we were watching this really great movie on Lifetime. But then we wanted to get a drink so we came here. Is there any way you can change one of these TVs to Lifetime so we can watch the ending?"

... so far, straight face ...

He immediately bowed his head and kinda looked away. He clearly bought it and felt bad, but knew he couldn't say "Yes". He looked up and said, "I'll have to ask my manager." I started laughing. Not because I couldn't keep a straight face, but because I felt guilty. Then he said, "Y'all are f*cking with me aren't you? Thank god." I nodded my head and we all laughed together.

Afterwards, Pamela and I discussed. She asked me why I felt the need to break character. I told her that I felt bad, I didn't want him to go ask his manager. After we talked it through though, I realized that him doing that would have been fine ... it wasn't very busy, it wouldn't have killed him, and it would have pushed me through some discomfort. I wish I'd kept it going longer, but it was still hilarious.